Believe

Last Sunday, my pastor preached about believing God only. And it has just been coming up everywhere since then...

My grade 9s did prepared speeches this week. One boy had such a well researched speech, but he stutters and isn't very confident in front of people. I caught myself in the middle of commending his speech. All he had to do to make it better was believe that his speech was good. The rest would take care of itself. The goosebumps stayed with me for the rest of the day.

After receiving a cool keyring from a friend, I went on the hunt for another for my car keys seeing as my starfish split in half and I could only keep the back half. The one I found had ladybugs and leaves - and a little plate with "believe" written on it....

Of  course I'm in disbelief about only one thing so when these things kept, coming up, only one thing kept coming to mind every time....

Belief is such a difficult thing, though when your life is in one place and the thing you've got your sights on seems farfetched. Of course that's the one thing he wants me to believe in!  How else does he come out looking like a boss?!! Sometimes I wish he didn't believe in me so much!

Rejection

"I like you and I'd like to see you. Maybe steal kisses. But I'm not ready to make promises." All that made so much sense at the time and although it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, I figured because it was honest, I could work with it. Boy, did I get the surprise of my life!

Now I can barely get a response from him. I find myself disecting everything he's ever said. I'm even relooking basic words I thought I knew the meanings of. But saddest of all, I wonder why I am so damn repulsive. Why is the first inclination to run or not to get close to me? I thought I did this one right.... Didn't I?

Should I just resign myself to being alone forever? And why does that thought cause me to hypherventilate a little bit? This conversation with myself is getting old really fast.

Crazy

They say in situations there's 3 sides. Yours, mine and the truth. In most situations I've often come off as the crazy, unreasonable one. And I've often wondered what the truth is.

I know I do stupid things, but they are never spontanious, they are often induced. I take things personally; sometimes too personally, but sometimes feel like the world knows a secret. And it's all hidden from me.

I try hard to give people their space and it's not an easy thing for me to do, but I do it. So when I break the rules, know that I've been holding it in for a long time and can no longer do it. But when I finally reach out I find that I still get the timing wrong. Completely, in the oposite direction wrong. What is wrong with me?!

Tell me what the truth is so I can start getting it right...

Same Person, Different Day

My friend started ignoring me - Or at least that's how I saw it. For two weeks my calls were not returned. I was crushed. Heartbroken. In total dispair. How dramatic!

Eventually, we had an unpleasant conversation. He said he wasn't ignoring my calls - he merely didn't respond to them. Oh right! Because  there is a difference?! I angrily hung up the phone. He was hurt!The thought that I thought so lowly of him hurt him as deeply as him not returning my calls hurt me. Here's his theory

"Nolo, the same guy that bought you cake and came to check on you the day after your simultaneous birthday and accident is the same guy that didn't pick up your calls. Why can't you see the best in me even when I do my worst?"I was silenced. I didn't know how to respond.

See, I know myself to be very consistant in relationships of all kinds. I will never tire of talking to you even when I am in my deepest abyss. You can always count on me to come through for you. Always. It is only when you take me for granted that I lossen my grip. To me, the person I appreciate becomes seperate from the person who is hurting me now. How can they possibly be the same? It's like a rendition of Tamia's "Stranger in My House"

You see, you are teaching me that I love you too much and that I am so commited to you that it smothers you.Smothers you! You are teaching me to stay far far away from you. And my consistancy changes. You can garantee that I won't go all out for you. I will tire of you in order to keep myself safe from harm.

So right now, I feel like an animal who has been beaten and trained into submission. Now I stay away because you have trained me. While you toy around with those who are ready to love you, remember never to push a loyal person to the point where they just don't care anymore, because they will stop caring and you will not get that care back.

Nervous

"Hi, I'm looking for the Jimmy Nevis album."
"Jimmy Nervous? Yes lemme check the system?"

That was my music store experience when I went to make my purchase. I can't judge her though. I too have only just recently jumped onto the local music bandwagon, this being the third local album I've bought in the past year.

As usual, I bought the album for one song only, "Hotboxing", but of course a number of songs snuck their way past it. Jimmy Nevis' debut offering called Sublime is relatively good. If you're a fan of Jason Mraz, One Republic and Bruno Mars, this album is a combination of these artist so you no longer need to import your music.

There are, however certain elements that are uniquely Nevis in his album. I like the way he uses vocals alone in certain parts of a song, Like "Red balloon". Nevis certainly doesn't fully rely on his talent on the piano alone, but explores many of the avenues music has to offer.

All in all, I quite like this Capetonian boy. He can stick around!

Me Time

I've always hated being alone or doing anything alone, but as I've grown older, I've come to tolerate  alone time. I even started to (reluctantly) like it.
Don't get me wrong, It hasn't been by choice. Sometimes my roommate leaves me to my own devices for the weekend and I automatically think "this really sucks!". But then she comes home and I think, "Why on earth are you back?! I was having so much fun in uninterrupted vegging! Partypooper!" For a while I've wondered what was wrong with me. Why can't I just be satisfied for once?! But that's the beauty of a duel personality. I feed off the energy of others, but regrouping on my own is enjoyable too. There's no need to choose.
A few weeks after the unfortunate birthday incident, a verse found me. It speaks about being content no matter what. I initially connected this to the whole Carlos situation but right now, I'm thinking it has more to do with understanding that both being alone or being with people is my strength. I thrive in both.
These past few months, I was starting to think that aging has turned me into a dull dud. But it's official; age is making me more interesting!

Sweet Sadness

When our voices blend, I get goosebumps. It's trully beautiful. Perfection. Why is it so different when the music fades, I wonder.

Without the music, it is empty. There is no passion or beauty. It's not meant to be, this I know.

So why is it still sad everytime our voices meet?