Play That Funky Music

Today, I decided instead of staying at home, I should pay my brother a visit at the Vaal.

After waiting - I hate waiting!- in my car outside his house for almost an hour, he finally arrived. We took a drive in his car to get some food and the prettiest song came on. We had arrived back at his place at this point, but because he knows me so well and gets me - as few people do- he switched the car off and in the quiet darkness of his car, we sat and listened until it was finished.

It was quite fitting because when I was driving to the Vaal a thought occurred to me that one should always have the kind of playlist in their car that makes you want to drive around the block just one more time so you can finish that awesome song. Of course, you will have heard it a thousand times before, but one more time won't dilute what draws you to it.

My brother and I never grew up together and so we keep discovering new things we have in common all the time. Tonight our shared love for music was re-instated.

My People

For my birthday, my brother gave me a measly 10 second call at 2am. I was a little disappointed, but a week later he called to tell me that he wanted to throw me a birthday braai 2 weekends later. I was over the moon!

But then I realised that I was going to once again spend my (belated) birthday with someone else's people. To remedy that, I decided to invite some of my friends - or at least enough friends to fill my car for the drive to the Vaal. I was hesitant doing this because I didn't  know who would actually come. After days of procrastination and overthinking, as only I know how to do, I managed to round up 3 friends for the festivities.

I was still worried though. These ladies only had me in common, as far as they knew anyway. What if they went all the way to the Vaal just to have a terrible time because of me? The drive down was akward at first, but conversation eventually flowed and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Within minutes at my brother's house, these 3 women immediately commandeered his kitchen. Lebo did the dishes, Thula started on the salad and Kholu marinated the meat ( and later braaied it all like a boss!!). I stood at the door and watched them work and realised that these guys were making themselves at home in a place they were not familiar with. They were taking initiative and turning a house into a home. It was awesome to see it being played out because that's exactly what I would have done if the tables were turned.

Now, it may not sound like much to you. But all those episodes of Grey's Anatomy make sense. I watched my friends with their people all the time. I fit in with them, but I always wonder if they would ever fit with each other, in my world. And if they did fit in, what would make them distinctly my people? Here were these ladies showing me that they were in fact my people. These were just a handful of my friends working away in an environment they were not familiar with and enjoying themselves, because of me!!

So there you have it. From  now on I vow to no longer compartmentalise my friends, because all you need for a successful social gathering is just one thing or person that those people have in common. And then, Bob's your uncle! I'm greatful that I can say that I have people that I can call my own! It makes a world that often seems big and lonely a little brighter.

Daddy Issues

"I'm a child of divorce. Please don't make me choose!" I always pull out this card when I have to make decisions. The kids that grew up with both parents HATE this comment while the kids who were raised by their mothers roll on the floor laughing.

So I am one of many kids out there who were raised by their mothers. I know what makes an amazing mother, but I really have to think about what makes a dad great.

I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed today and saw so many status updates saluting moms for doubling up as fathers as well. One friend even stopped midsentence saying "I don't know where I'm going with this [father's day wish]". I was suddenly so sad. Yes, Our mothers did a great job raising us and we are fortunate to have them. But they raised us on their own because they had to. If they had a choice, I'm sure they would've chosen differently. I know I would've chosen differently for my own mother because she really deserves better. I have always wanted to make things better for her. As big and ugly as we are, we turn into little kids on parents' days. We remember everything that they did or failed to do for us.

I guess the little girl in me. The one who used to set the table at dinner and  make my mom and her then boyfriend sit at the table so I could have a family for 20 minutes. That little girl has this to say to men. We need you! We need you to teach us how to ride a bike, how to drive a car. We need you to drill holes in our walls so we can put up our pictures, to tell us to have our engines cleaned and how to fix things. We need you to tell us what we need in our toolboxes. We need you!!!  Your role is vital in our lives.

When I grow up

One of the first questions that gets thrown around upon meeting new people is "So what did you always want to be when you grow up?"

I've never been that kid, though. I remember wanting to be a pharmacist once; that was soon replaced by a marine biologist. I don't know why but at the time ( I must've been 10) those careers seemed glamourous somehow... I've always wanted attention. I've always yearned , above all else, to be validated, I think. I still get taken aback when asked if I always wanted to be a teacher. The best answer I can give is I don't stand in front of my kids and wish I was elsewhere doing something else. But I do sometimes fear that I am making no impact on them. When that boy drags his feet into my classroom, slouches in his chair, and let's out a long sigh before responding with half-opened eyes, "I dunno", I feel a little defeat seep into me. I'm trying so hard to make this exciting!! Why aren't you excited?!

I've learnt and  continue to learn that I am restless. Sometimes I squirm in discomfort and I question and overthink everything! I convince myself of the biggest lies and drive myself almost over a cliff. It's good to know this  because once you understand it, you can live with that thing you hate about yourself until you see it's not something to hate but to understand and embrace. Afterall, restlessness is what has often compelled me to make a move.

Through all that discomfort though, you should always remember never to under estimate your ability to influence. In a good or bad way, we influence people. No one walks out of our lives untouched by us.  Sometimes it'll be obvious and on other days, you'll have to say it over and over again to yourself while hugging your knees in a corner, but believe me, it happens.

How to Live Alone

Finally, after over a year of wishing to live alone, here I am. I finally got what I wanted and all of a sudden, it seemed like I had all this time on my hands and nothing to do with that time but wonder if I made the right decision. What if I choke on my dinner and die? How long will it take for them to find my body? Which brings me to rule number 1; do NOT overthink it! Your mind will go to very strange places!

There I was, at Joburg Zoo thinking out loud to two married-with-kids colleagues and one of them finally cuts me short and says, "You singles irritate me! You're young. You have no responsibilities but yourselves but what do you do on  Friday nights? Sit at home doing absolutely nothing! Go out! Have a little fun, for goodness sake! You're gonna want these days back when they're gone!" This brings me to rule number 2; don't stay cooped up at home. Going out -  even if it's just to gym  or staying a bit longer at work - makes you appreciate coming home to the serenity of an empty house.

I spent one Sunday  afternoon waiting for my brother to fetch his couch. I nearly burst into tears when he didn't show up. Who was I gonna talk to? My hard drive provides the illusion of interaction, but those people are interacting with each other, not me! Rule number 3; when you are home, don't be too idle. There is plenty to do.Your dishes (I'm sure you have them in the sink!), do your laundry. It wasn't just piling up with ex housemate's clothes, you know! Clean your floor! Whites are not the only ones who shed hair! And cook for yourself for crying out loud! There's no harm in learning to cook smaller portions.

Speaking of watching others interact, rule number 4 - sometimes the silence is good. It's an opportunity to read a book, write and think about your life. You'd really be surprised how much there is to think about and plan for. True story!

So far, these  rules have helped me through the first month of single living. It was hard at first and I still have days when I throw them out the window, curl into  a ball and feel sorry for myself, but slowly the silence doesn't seem so loud anymore and I've realised that this living alone business, it's not bad and it can only get better from here.

Self - Embrace

"I want someone to bare witness to my life", I said. "Is your life that amazing?" he mused.

Actually, it is because  I believe it is not amazing. In fact having a witness to one's life is what would make it meaningful, in my opinion. His perspective on a desire that lies hidden in the deepest part of me was interesting because I've realised that I depend too much on people's affirmation when it should be mine that I cling to the most.

You see, I'm not beautiful because people stop and stare at me.I'm not good at my job because my learners eat out of the palm of my hand. I'm not funny because they laugh, I'm not smart because of straight As. I'm not musical because they sing along. So my worth should not depend on them at all. It's time I embrace who I am and more importantly understand who I am and know what I'm about - not what they say I'm about, because they wonder in and out of my life as they see fit, but I am not going anywhere. Surely it is my opinion that should matter the most.

Be Kind - Always

Today is the last day of school. For the first time in a week I didn't wake up feeling like jumping off a bridge. It was a relief but also very strange, because when you are not happy, but you're not in pain, what is left, but rubble, really? I made my bed and picked up the clothes from my floor for the first time in over a week. I didn't know what to wear today and didn't care to put any care in my appearance so I threw on a pair of skinny jeans - since our new boss is going to be doing away with those next term- and my trusted old sweater and a pair of pumps. I didn't bother with make up and I combed my hair back into a bun the cherry on top being the absent colourful ring on my right middle finger. Today, I resolved, would be a naked day.

So I walk past one of the ladies at work that always has a compliment for me, be it my skirt or hair any general compliment about my beauty and she says to me, " Ya, now this is a woman who knows what she is about! You look so good today!" I was taken aback. This woman has no idea what my heart and mind are chewing on right now. She has no idea how lost I feel and how I am literally just going through the motions, yet she sees in me someone who has it together. How is that even possible?!

So I guess life for me has become very very complicated. I've experienced that people who see themselves as good do not necessarily do good all the time. People who are strong can be put to the ground by circumstances. And people who are not easily shaken can crumble. None of these circumstances make them less good or strong or levelheaded. It makes them human.

I don't wish any of my pain on my worst enemy. No one deserves to be hurt that way. But I do wish that when one makes a decision, always always, they should bare in mind that though we are strong,we have moments of weaknesses and that getting back to being strong is not an easy process. Strength is not the absence of weakness... Be kind to one another always.