I have been exiled from the land of blogging for almost 3 weeks now and today was my day of release! hooray!
In the spirit of Alannis Morrisette's 'You Live You Learn' philosophy, here is what I have taken away from my time away from all you wonderful people whose lives have added colour to my world. A life without blogging is really not much of a life at all. There's nothing I enjoy more than stepping out of my mundane life and mind and stepping into another world that has smarter thoughts and gazes upon things of more beauty than I ever thought possible...
I have missed you terribly and I trust that we will never be seperated again...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My Dreams
So in the spirit of visualising things into life, this is my first official step towards getting the things that I want for my future... I was really sad the other day, thinking that I will never be able to get the things that I would like purely because I want them and a friend of mine said, in true guy style; " Go for what you want and don't stop until you get it." It's that simple really! so here goes nothing... I'm officailly putting it down on (virtual) paper for the whole world to see. I would like:
A better job
Don't get me wrong, I am so very grateful for the job that I have now. I have learned so much about my capabilities and I've come to realise that I have been selling myself short in terms of what I deserve. But now I'm ready to be challenged and stretched even more. I'm starting to feel like I'm playing in a puddle when I could be swimming in the ocean; like the begining of the rest of my life is being hindered by my not getting a better job.
My own place
I live at home which is a great advantage, because I dont pay rent, nor do I have any other finacial obligations besides the ones that are self inflicted. I believe that where you reside is also the place where you can express yourself. I want to decorate my own flat, get throw pillows that match the couch ( or whatever flat owners do.)
A car
This one is a recent addition though it has been a growing frustration over the past few months. I'm single and very set in my ways. I like doing what I want when I want to do it e.g When I go out with friends, I can't go home when I want because, often the driver is not ready to leave yet. Little frustrations like that. I know that owning a vehicle is alot of responsibility and comes with it's own frustrations, but like I said, I'm ready to stretch myself, to do new grown up things I always thought were out of my league.
So there you have it! I've set my ( short term?) goals! they're out there for the world to see... Now comest he part where I go out and make them a reality.....
A better job
Don't get me wrong, I am so very grateful for the job that I have now. I have learned so much about my capabilities and I've come to realise that I have been selling myself short in terms of what I deserve. But now I'm ready to be challenged and stretched even more. I'm starting to feel like I'm playing in a puddle when I could be swimming in the ocean; like the begining of the rest of my life is being hindered by my not getting a better job.
My own place
I live at home which is a great advantage, because I dont pay rent, nor do I have any other finacial obligations besides the ones that are self inflicted. I believe that where you reside is also the place where you can express yourself. I want to decorate my own flat, get throw pillows that match the couch ( or whatever flat owners do.)
A car
This one is a recent addition though it has been a growing frustration over the past few months. I'm single and very set in my ways. I like doing what I want when I want to do it e.g When I go out with friends, I can't go home when I want because, often the driver is not ready to leave yet. Little frustrations like that. I know that owning a vehicle is alot of responsibility and comes with it's own frustrations, but like I said, I'm ready to stretch myself, to do new grown up things I always thought were out of my league.
So there you have it! I've set my ( short term?) goals! they're out there for the world to see... Now comest he part where I go out and make them a reality.....
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
No more Mister Nice guy!
"Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isnt' safe, but he is good" - C.S Lewis
Nice guys bore the hell out of me! Polite men; the kind that will always say and do the "right" things, aaargh! Pushovers! they make assertive girls like me seem like bullies! Don't get me wrong, I've always been the kind a girl that loves gentlemen. I love it when a man opens the door for me or offer to carry something for me even though I am more than capable of carrying it myself; it makes me feel like I'm being... honored or something But since when is a gentlemen and a nice guy one in the same thing?
Is it possible for a man to be chilvarious and unsafe at the same time? Because it seems that society says that he can't be. If he's militant then he's not a gentleman he's a bully and nobody likes a bully. But I say give me the militant man! give me the guy that's confrontational when necessary, these are the unsafe men, I think. They draw you into a place that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up; you feel like you are in the presence of something bigger than you. But like CS Lewis says; he may not be safe, but he is good. This is the nature of God. the bible says that we are created in his image. John Eldridge suggests that the image referred to is soulful and not physical so a man reflects God in his soulful strength. God is tender and loving yes; that is where the woman is made in his image, but the man is fierce and strong Just as God is also.I love that! That just because we are in search of a man of God, we are not settling for meek pushover men.
Here's to all you guys out there who are wild at heart; I trust that you do not only exist in my own personal Eutopia!
Nice guys bore the hell out of me! Polite men; the kind that will always say and do the "right" things, aaargh! Pushovers! they make assertive girls like me seem like bullies! Don't get me wrong, I've always been the kind a girl that loves gentlemen. I love it when a man opens the door for me or offer to carry something for me even though I am more than capable of carrying it myself; it makes me feel like I'm being... honored or something But since when is a gentlemen and a nice guy one in the same thing?
Is it possible for a man to be chilvarious and unsafe at the same time? Because it seems that society says that he can't be. If he's militant then he's not a gentleman he's a bully and nobody likes a bully. But I say give me the militant man! give me the guy that's confrontational when necessary, these are the unsafe men, I think. They draw you into a place that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up; you feel like you are in the presence of something bigger than you. But like CS Lewis says; he may not be safe, but he is good. This is the nature of God. the bible says that we are created in his image. John Eldridge suggests that the image referred to is soulful and not physical so a man reflects God in his soulful strength. God is tender and loving yes; that is where the woman is made in his image, but the man is fierce and strong Just as God is also.I love that! That just because we are in search of a man of God, we are not settling for meek pushover men.
Here's to all you guys out there who are wild at heart; I trust that you do not only exist in my own personal Eutopia!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Weight of Glory
"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden." - CS Lewis, The Weight of Glory
What an intellect! I always have to read something by CS Lewis twice before I can understand and grasp it in it's fullest. It's true; one of God's goals for us here on earth is for us to have meaningful, sincere and real relationships with each other. These are often the hardest most excrutiating relationships to have, but in the end, the most rewarding of them all. While I find the prospect of being that vulnerable to so many people daunting, the prospect of such freedom in my relation to others intrigues me...
What an intellect! I always have to read something by CS Lewis twice before I can understand and grasp it in it's fullest. It's true; one of God's goals for us here on earth is for us to have meaningful, sincere and real relationships with each other. These are often the hardest most excrutiating relationships to have, but in the end, the most rewarding of them all. While I find the prospect of being that vulnerable to so many people daunting, the prospect of such freedom in my relation to others intrigues me...
Friday, September 10, 2010
What does that even mean?
My parents have been divorced for about 23 of my 25 years. As much as I find that my mother has moved on and has no desire to go back to him, I find teachings that she has been giving me since I was a girl that reflect a lot of hurt and pain from the whole experience.
One that is the most prominant was this; if you enter into a relationship through a window ( the wrong way) instead of through the front door ( the right way), that relationship will never work out. Now I've always been raised " the christian way" so my idea of entering through the window has always been stuff that wasn't glorifying to God like dating a guy who doesn't share you beliefs for example. I've always used these points as guidelines of some kind but lately I've begun to question them.
I remember telling a friend of mine a while back that maybe I have been single all this time because I don't know how to conduct myself in a relationship. Maybe there is some kind of code of conduct that I was never told about and as a result, relationships end before they start or I behave in some moronic manner that sends them running to the hills. Now, as I sit here after the latest mess I've made, I wonder to myself, "Why wasn't this one right for me?" besides all the stupid stuff that " doesn't matter", this one was quiet close to perfect. There was a connection and getting carried away felt right... So what was wrong then, because it wasnt as though there was a gradual disconnection, but more of a violent severing that came out of nowhere and hurt me beyond words. I don't understand it at all....
There's a part of me that wants to throw in the towel and swear eternal celibacy, but I just can't. I feel... hope even though it looks hopeless, which makes me wonder if I am not confusing hope with stupidity. But then again Emily Dickinson says:
"Hope is that thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune-- without the words,
and never stops at all..."
So what now? In this case, do I let the stupid bird sing or do I find it and shoot him? Grrr! I think what I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wake up when it's all over... a kind of hybernation.Why couldn't we be the mammals that could do that?
One that is the most prominant was this; if you enter into a relationship through a window ( the wrong way) instead of through the front door ( the right way), that relationship will never work out. Now I've always been raised " the christian way" so my idea of entering through the window has always been stuff that wasn't glorifying to God like dating a guy who doesn't share you beliefs for example. I've always used these points as guidelines of some kind but lately I've begun to question them.
I remember telling a friend of mine a while back that maybe I have been single all this time because I don't know how to conduct myself in a relationship. Maybe there is some kind of code of conduct that I was never told about and as a result, relationships end before they start or I behave in some moronic manner that sends them running to the hills. Now, as I sit here after the latest mess I've made, I wonder to myself, "Why wasn't this one right for me?" besides all the stupid stuff that " doesn't matter", this one was quiet close to perfect. There was a connection and getting carried away felt right... So what was wrong then, because it wasnt as though there was a gradual disconnection, but more of a violent severing that came out of nowhere and hurt me beyond words. I don't understand it at all....
There's a part of me that wants to throw in the towel and swear eternal celibacy, but I just can't. I feel... hope even though it looks hopeless, which makes me wonder if I am not confusing hope with stupidity. But then again Emily Dickinson says:
"Hope is that thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune-- without the words,
and never stops at all..."
So what now? In this case, do I let the stupid bird sing or do I find it and shoot him? Grrr! I think what I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wake up when it's all over... a kind of hybernation.Why couldn't we be the mammals that could do that?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Into the Ocean
" I wanna swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down." - Blue October
Men in Black 2. The pretty girl has just discovered that she is the light of Zatha and she is in denial. "Everbody gets sad when it rains", she protests. " But it rains because you're sad, baby", Agent K says.
Sometimes I wish I was the light of Zatha too. I wish it would pour with rain whenever I'm sad or a raging tornado would sweep by when I'm angry. Whenever a storm comes, the sky turns grey and lightning and thunder soon follow; then the rain pours. After a little while, everything calms and sometimes the sun comes out and besides the obvious wetness,it is as though it never rained; there's was no lightning or rain and there is a sense of release in the atmosphere. I wish sadness and all those bad emotions worked the same and for the same amount of time. Like the weather, you experience the full force of the emotion,but it is soon over and replaced by sunshine; relief and peace.
Alas, that is not how it works. Unfortunately I am not the light of Zatha or any superheroine whose emotional state is reflected in the weather (darn it!) so I guess I have to find another way to get that relief from all this sadness. Thank goodness I have Jesus who knows the anguish of my soul (Ps 30:7b) and who is eager to come to my rescue.
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down." - Blue October
Men in Black 2. The pretty girl has just discovered that she is the light of Zatha and she is in denial. "Everbody gets sad when it rains", she protests. " But it rains because you're sad, baby", Agent K says.
Sometimes I wish I was the light of Zatha too. I wish it would pour with rain whenever I'm sad or a raging tornado would sweep by when I'm angry. Whenever a storm comes, the sky turns grey and lightning and thunder soon follow; then the rain pours. After a little while, everything calms and sometimes the sun comes out and besides the obvious wetness,it is as though it never rained; there's was no lightning or rain and there is a sense of release in the atmosphere. I wish sadness and all those bad emotions worked the same and for the same amount of time. Like the weather, you experience the full force of the emotion,but it is soon over and replaced by sunshine; relief and peace.
Alas, that is not how it works. Unfortunately I am not the light of Zatha or any superheroine whose emotional state is reflected in the weather (darn it!) so I guess I have to find another way to get that relief from all this sadness. Thank goodness I have Jesus who knows the anguish of my soul (Ps 30:7b) and who is eager to come to my rescue.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A Real Boyfriend?
So today I got this chain email (chain emails; grrrr!) titled "A real boyfriend". The funny thing about this email is that it describes all the things every girl would like her boyfriend/husband to do and all the things every girl wishes he would be; it's amazing! But the further down the list I read ( it was quiet a long list) the more I realised how selfish women are.
Let me give you a rough idea of this "real boyfriend" list:
When she's quiet
Ask her what's wrong
When she ignores you
Give her your attention
When she pulls away
Pull her back....
Some parts of this chain email ( chain emails; grrr!) had the girl in me shouting, " Yes! that's exactly what I need from him when I do that!" But the other side of me, I think that's the voice of reason or something with with similar wisdom thinks, " Wait a minute; how selfish is this girl who goes into a relationship with all these insecurities, but expects a perfect man with no insecturities of his own?" That really got my mind working. I mean, when I read all the stuff that she does, I realise that I do those same things when I'm feeling insecure and the stuff that he does in reaction to them; that stuff is different forms of reassurance. It's like the girl in this scenario is a raging tornado of insecurity and low self esteem while the guy is expected to be the quiet, confident knight-in-shining-armour type that's come to fix you.
But that's unfair! We all have insecurities and fears about ourselves, don't we? So then shouldn't we be heroes to each other? I mean there are things that I will expect and often need from my man one day, but I want him to need me too. I don't want a flat, perfect character of a man that is just there to give, give and give the whole time; I want to be needed too. I also want to be a knight in shining armour to my man ( I think I just threw up a bit of Stacie Elderidge's Captivating ! ) So as much as I would love a man who is as attentive to my needs as this chain email ( chain emails; grrr!) man is, I'd also like him to be less...."Prince Charming, the Flawless One" so that I can have some hero scenes to play out where I am the hero. I think that's a good selfish don't you?
Let me give you a rough idea of this "real boyfriend" list:
When she's quiet
Ask her what's wrong
When she ignores you
Give her your attention
When she pulls away
Pull her back....
Some parts of this chain email ( chain emails; grrr!) had the girl in me shouting, " Yes! that's exactly what I need from him when I do that!" But the other side of me, I think that's the voice of reason or something with with similar wisdom thinks, " Wait a minute; how selfish is this girl who goes into a relationship with all these insecurities, but expects a perfect man with no insecturities of his own?" That really got my mind working. I mean, when I read all the stuff that she does, I realise that I do those same things when I'm feeling insecure and the stuff that he does in reaction to them; that stuff is different forms of reassurance. It's like the girl in this scenario is a raging tornado of insecurity and low self esteem while the guy is expected to be the quiet, confident knight-in-shining-armour type that's come to fix you.
But that's unfair! We all have insecurities and fears about ourselves, don't we? So then shouldn't we be heroes to each other? I mean there are things that I will expect and often need from my man one day, but I want him to need me too. I don't want a flat, perfect character of a man that is just there to give, give and give the whole time; I want to be needed too. I also want to be a knight in shining armour to my man ( I think I just threw up a bit of Stacie Elderidge's Captivating ! ) So as much as I would love a man who is as attentive to my needs as this chain email ( chain emails; grrr!) man is, I'd also like him to be less...."Prince Charming, the Flawless One" so that I can have some hero scenes to play out where I am the hero. I think that's a good selfish don't you?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)