Marching On

You know what, as much as this experience has hurt me and changed me, I'm still the same girl. I still have so much to be proud of. I loved another with my whole heart and had that love returned - something I've always dreamed of and desired.How many people can say that,really?
In many ways, my dream came true...

Pain

Why do the right decisions hurt so badly? I mean if this is the right thing,surely I would feel some element of relief that it's over and  that I can move on...

And why does it feel like I'm moving on to nothing? This isn't right. None of it is, but all I can do is try to heal somehow.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't think I want to know....

Love

I've been wracking my brain for months now. I've been suspecting that the love that I have is selfish. I've been loving because I was loved first. That's selfish, because what  happens when you are not loved anymore?

So I've been doing the noble thing;finding reasons that had nothing to do with me - "because you're sweet and funny"- that kind of thing.

But then it hit me. He accepts me for  who I am,not the person he wants me to be. In fact, he wants me to be the person that I already am. How amazing a person is that?!

Without a Trace

“Hold on honey.
We've got forever to taste.
Speed up sugar.
Don't forget our friend Fate
It could disappear without a trace.” - The Parlotones

Any human relationship is fluid – no, fragile, almost brittle - because it deals with human beings
and human beings are somewhat unpredictable. When you find yourself in something that beautiful,
your heart is in constant turmoil. There are parts of you that want to take in all the beauty – but
essentially you are just sucking the life out of this beautiful thing. After a while that beauty is no
longer. So we try to savor it- make it last longer - but there is the danger of deterioration and that
beauty collecting dust and coming to an eventual end. And so we sit on this sea-saw hoping that
rushing things won't ruin it and savoring it won't spoil its sweetness...

It helps to remember that you are not alone in it though. The turmoil is not yours alone, but there is
another heart involved and somehow between the two, a sort of equilibrium is reached – hopefully...

Just Keep Swimming

Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better - so says Pat Riley.

I don't like struggling. To me it is the same as failure because you are not succeeding; you are still trying to. but in this constant strife, you find yourself getting better without even realising it... That's been my experience lately. I feel more equipped for so many things since last year and the only way that Happened was through struggling and getting frustrated at my weaknesses.

These are the things that make us better.... So I guess the only way to get even better than I am now is to continue to struggling as I am now. It is, after all for my own good...

Peace and Lovely Things

I used to think of myself as a happy person. Mostly because I'm generally always in a good mood. I talk a lot, make lots of jokes, but until now, I was never happy.

The kind of happy I'm talking about isn't the fleeting feeling that results from a good song or a compliment. It's a state of mind, I think. It's like reaching the summit after a long climb - a sense of all being right in the world. When that shift happens in your life, it doesn't matter what goes wrong or right everywhere else in your life because you are grounded and none of it can sway you....

So there you have it! I am no longer a happy person. Rather, I am simply happy.

My Little Nest

I have a new neighbour who is building her little home in the tree in my backyard. She caught my eye yesterday as she put her little nest together and I realised how much I related to her. Not so long ago I too was doing almost the same thing. My new neighbour is a bird by the way.....

It's funny how the homes we live in as adults are a spin off of the homes we grew up in. there are those who think of our childhood homes and want something better. They're homes are completely different. The rest of us, however do the opposite; either way, it's a spin off. When my flatmate Charity moved out of the cottage we were sharing I was left with an empty two bedroom cottage with very little in it. All I had was a chest of drawers, a bookshelf, a sleeper-couch handed down to me by my friend Lian and some other odds and ends. My house was empty and I was faced with the daunting thought of decorating it as I saw fit. Now, four months later, I look at my little nest and I chuckle to myself. My house is so much like the one I left at home. The colour scheme is brown and beige, just like at home and just last week, I bought a beige rug not unlike the new one I saw at home when I was there over Christmas! We spend so much of our teenage years yearning to have our own homes with our own rules and what to we do the moment we start our new homes? Passively rebuild the very same homes we were trying to break out of....

Now that is what I call irony! Life is just like that I guess :)