When I grow up

One of the first questions that gets thrown around upon meeting new people is "So what did you always want to be when you grow up?"

I've never been that kid, though. I remember wanting to be a pharmacist once; that was soon replaced by a marine biologist. I don't know why but at the time ( I must've been 10) those careers seemed glamourous somehow... I've always wanted attention. I've always yearned , above all else, to be validated, I think. I still get taken aback when asked if I always wanted to be a teacher. The best answer I can give is I don't stand in front of my kids and wish I was elsewhere doing something else. But I do sometimes fear that I am making no impact on them. When that boy drags his feet into my classroom, slouches in his chair, and let's out a long sigh before responding with half-opened eyes, "I dunno", I feel a little defeat seep into me. I'm trying so hard to make this exciting!! Why aren't you excited?!

I've learnt and  continue to learn that I am restless. Sometimes I squirm in discomfort and I question and overthink everything! I convince myself of the biggest lies and drive myself almost over a cliff. It's good to know this  because once you understand it, you can live with that thing you hate about yourself until you see it's not something to hate but to understand and embrace. Afterall, restlessness is what has often compelled me to make a move.

Through all that discomfort though, you should always remember never to under estimate your ability to influence. In a good or bad way, we influence people. No one walks out of our lives untouched by us.  Sometimes it'll be obvious and on other days, you'll have to say it over and over again to yourself while hugging your knees in a corner, but believe me, it happens.

How to Live Alone

Finally, after over a year of wishing to live alone, here I am. I finally got what I wanted and all of a sudden, it seemed like I had all this time on my hands and nothing to do with that time but wonder if I made the right decision. What if I choke on my dinner and die? How long will it take for them to find my body? Which brings me to rule number 1; do NOT overthink it! Your mind will go to very strange places!

There I was, at Joburg Zoo thinking out loud to two married-with-kids colleagues and one of them finally cuts me short and says, "You singles irritate me! You're young. You have no responsibilities but yourselves but what do you do on  Friday nights? Sit at home doing absolutely nothing! Go out! Have a little fun, for goodness sake! You're gonna want these days back when they're gone!" This brings me to rule number 2; don't stay cooped up at home. Going out -  even if it's just to gym  or staying a bit longer at work - makes you appreciate coming home to the serenity of an empty house.

I spent one Sunday  afternoon waiting for my brother to fetch his couch. I nearly burst into tears when he didn't show up. Who was I gonna talk to? My hard drive provides the illusion of interaction, but those people are interacting with each other, not me! Rule number 3; when you are home, don't be too idle. There is plenty to do.Your dishes (I'm sure you have them in the sink!), do your laundry. It wasn't just piling up with ex housemate's clothes, you know! Clean your floor! Whites are not the only ones who shed hair! And cook for yourself for crying out loud! There's no harm in learning to cook smaller portions.

Speaking of watching others interact, rule number 4 - sometimes the silence is good. It's an opportunity to read a book, write and think about your life. You'd really be surprised how much there is to think about and plan for. True story!

So far, these  rules have helped me through the first month of single living. It was hard at first and I still have days when I throw them out the window, curl into  a ball and feel sorry for myself, but slowly the silence doesn't seem so loud anymore and I've realised that this living alone business, it's not bad and it can only get better from here.

Self - Embrace

"I want someone to bare witness to my life", I said. "Is your life that amazing?" he mused.

Actually, it is because  I believe it is not amazing. In fact having a witness to one's life is what would make it meaningful, in my opinion. His perspective on a desire that lies hidden in the deepest part of me was interesting because I've realised that I depend too much on people's affirmation when it should be mine that I cling to the most.

You see, I'm not beautiful because people stop and stare at me.I'm not good at my job because my learners eat out of the palm of my hand. I'm not funny because they laugh, I'm not smart because of straight As. I'm not musical because they sing along. So my worth should not depend on them at all. It's time I embrace who I am and more importantly understand who I am and know what I'm about - not what they say I'm about, because they wonder in and out of my life as they see fit, but I am not going anywhere. Surely it is my opinion that should matter the most.

Be Kind - Always

Today is the last day of school. For the first time in a week I didn't wake up feeling like jumping off a bridge. It was a relief but also very strange, because when you are not happy, but you're not in pain, what is left, but rubble, really? I made my bed and picked up the clothes from my floor for the first time in over a week. I didn't know what to wear today and didn't care to put any care in my appearance so I threw on a pair of skinny jeans - since our new boss is going to be doing away with those next term- and my trusted old sweater and a pair of pumps. I didn't bother with make up and I combed my hair back into a bun the cherry on top being the absent colourful ring on my right middle finger. Today, I resolved, would be a naked day.

So I walk past one of the ladies at work that always has a compliment for me, be it my skirt or hair any general compliment about my beauty and she says to me, " Ya, now this is a woman who knows what she is about! You look so good today!" I was taken aback. This woman has no idea what my heart and mind are chewing on right now. She has no idea how lost I feel and how I am literally just going through the motions, yet she sees in me someone who has it together. How is that even possible?!

So I guess life for me has become very very complicated. I've experienced that people who see themselves as good do not necessarily do good all the time. People who are strong can be put to the ground by circumstances. And people who are not easily shaken can crumble. None of these circumstances make them less good or strong or levelheaded. It makes them human.

I don't wish any of my pain on my worst enemy. No one deserves to be hurt that way. But I do wish that when one makes a decision, always always, they should bare in mind that though we are strong,we have moments of weaknesses and that getting back to being strong is not an easy process. Strength is not the absence of weakness... Be kind to one another always.

This is the Life

At my age not only do I have to contemplate a life alone; a life where I pay my own bills, dream my own dreams and find some kind of contentness in that life - as much as my heart cries against it. I find myself also having to be extra careful around men, the species I've always felt more comfortable with.

I've never been much of a flirt. Men have always seen me as "one the guys". As a kid, my fondest memories are of my boy classmate who lived nextdoor to me.  He would make me play goalkeeper with 10 other boys. I didn't know, but he secretly liked me and said as much in a love letter he wrote to me which, by the way, I ripped to shreds along with his heart in front in his face! (I still deny that! I don't remember doing it!)

Fast forward a few years and I was the awkward 16 year old who had really never been kissed. I had no idea how to be coy or to catch a boy's attention in a flirtatious way, but I knew how to crack jokes, talk sport and just hang out ( because relationship talk would be different wouldn't it?)

Moving on to my early 20s and I was still a dork. A young man had his sights on me but I fumbled my way so badly through that that he lost his patience and left me to my awkwardness.

Now here I am, 28 years old and I look back on years of continued blunders, but now it's more serious. I meet men who are in  serious relationships  and wish they had met me sooner ( his words), married men whose wives are forever looking at how I'm dressed or how I bend so I don't lure their huabands into my trap (seriously?!)

I don't know how I went from a tomboy to a some kind of fox, but I'm here. I can't change where I come from and I'm glad I've grown into my womanhood and I don't like having to feel like I must apologise for it, but I don't want to offend anyone at the same time. Sometimes I wish my heart would be spoken for so I would not be used or made to look like a common harlet.

Life

My phone rang with bad news and for once I wasn't alone. Hugs, words of concern were both ready at my service, but I didn't want any of it. I longed to be left alone to deal with the news. I couldn't describe what it was that I needed...

For many years things would fall apart when I am alone and every time I would wallow in self pity wondering why I deserved to be so isolated; why I was always left to my own devices when I wanted to be smothered with support. But the thing is, when everything fails, the people who are "there for you" are actually unknowingly there for themselves. They check on you and fuss over you so they can call themselves good friends in the end. It sounds harsh and unwelcome, I know, but I understand that the intentions are good...

I always saw myself as an extrovert with a love for people. I never wanted to spend a moment alone. At first I resented being alone, but now I prefer it. I don't know how to co-exist. I can give support for as long as one needs it. I can perform acts of kindness that will make you weep in gratitude, but when the tables are turned, I don't know what I need from anyone. I'm not even sure I know what it is that I need from myself at that time....

I remember an old blog I wrote. I longed to be The Man in the Arena. Here I am in the arena, stratergising, sweating and even bleeding. I wonder now if I understood what I was really asking for because the Man in the arena is in there by himself and depends on his own devices to survive to the end. I think I want to go back to the bench... I didn't watch this game attentively enough to know how it is actually played.

Believe

Last Sunday, my pastor preached about believing God only. And it has just been coming up everywhere since then...

My grade 9s did prepared speeches this week. One boy had such a well researched speech, but he stutters and isn't very confident in front of people. I caught myself in the middle of commending his speech. All he had to do to make it better was believe that his speech was good. The rest would take care of itself. The goosebumps stayed with me for the rest of the day.

After receiving a cool keyring from a friend, I went on the hunt for another for my car keys seeing as my starfish split in half and I could only keep the back half. The one I found had ladybugs and leaves - and a little plate with "believe" written on it....

Of  course I'm in disbelief about only one thing so when these things kept, coming up, only one thing kept coming to mind every time....

Belief is such a difficult thing, though when your life is in one place and the thing you've got your sights on seems farfetched. Of course that's the one thing he wants me to believe in!  How else does he come out looking like a boss?!! Sometimes I wish he didn't believe in me so much!