At my age not only do I have to contemplate a life alone; a life where I pay my own bills, dream my own dreams and find some kind of contentness in that life - as much as my heart cries against it. I find myself also having to be extra careful around men, the species I've always felt more comfortable with.
I've never been much of a flirt. Men have always seen me as "one the guys". As a kid, my fondest memories are of my boy classmate who lived nextdoor to me. He would make me play goalkeeper with 10 other boys. I didn't know, but he secretly liked me and said as much in a love letter he wrote to me which, by the way, I ripped to shreds along with his heart in front in his face! (I still deny that! I don't remember doing it!)
Fast forward a few years and I was the awkward 16 year old who had really never been kissed. I had no idea how to be coy or to catch a boy's attention in a flirtatious way, but I knew how to crack jokes, talk sport and just hang out ( because relationship talk would be different wouldn't it?)
Moving on to my early 20s and I was still a dork. A young man had his sights on me but I fumbled my way so badly through that that he lost his patience and left me to my awkwardness.
Now here I am, 28 years old and I look back on years of continued blunders, but now it's more serious. I meet men who are in serious relationships and wish they had met me sooner ( his words), married men whose wives are forever looking at how I'm dressed or how I bend so I don't lure their huabands into my trap (seriously?!)
I don't know how I went from a tomboy to a some kind of fox, but I'm here. I can't change where I come from and I'm glad I've grown into my womanhood and I don't like having to feel like I must apologise for it, but I don't want to offend anyone at the same time. Sometimes I wish my heart would be spoken for so I would not be used or made to look like a common harlet.