Tuesday, December 24, 2013


"I like you and I'd like to see you. Maybe steal kisses. But I'm not ready to make promises." All that made so much sense at the time and although it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, I figured because it was honest, I could work with it. Boy, did I get the surprise of my life!

Now I can barely get a response from him. I find myself disecting everything he's ever said. I'm even relooking basic words I thought I knew the meanings of. But saddest of all, I wonder why I am so damn repulsive. Why is the first inclination to run or not to get close to me? I thought I did this one right.... Didn't I?

Should I just resign myself to being alone forever? And why does that thought cause me to hypherventilate a little bit? This conversation with myself is getting old really fast.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


They say in situations there's 3 sides. Yours, mine and the truth. In most situations I've often come off as the crazy, unreasonable one. And I've often wondered what the truth is.

I know I do stupid things, but they are never spontanious, they are often induced. I take things personally; sometimes too personally, but sometimes feel like the world knows a secret. And it's all hidden from me.

I try hard to give people their space and it's not an easy thing for me to do, but I do it. So when I break the rules, know that I've been holding it in for a long time and can no longer do it. But when I finally reach out I find that I still get the timing wrong. Completely, in the oposite direction wrong. What is wrong with me?!

Tell me what the truth is so I can start getting it right...

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Same Person, Different Day

My friend started ignoring me - Or at least that's how I saw it. For two weeks my calls were not returned. I was crushed. Heartbroken. In total dispair. How dramatic!

Eventually, we had an unpleasant conversation. He said he wasn't ignoring my calls - he merely didn't respond to them. Oh right! Because  there is a difference?! I angrily hung up the phone. He was hurt!The thought that I thought so lowly of him hurt him as deeply as him not returning my calls hurt me. Here's his theory

"Nolo, the same guy that bought you cake and came to check on you the day after your simultaneous birthday and accident is the same guy that didn't pick up your calls. Why can't you see the best in me even when I do my worst?"I was silenced. I didn't know how to respond.

See, I know myself to be very consistant in relationships of all kinds. I will never tire of talking to you even when I am in my deepest abyss. You can always count on me to come through for you. Always. It is only when you take me for granted that I lossen my grip. To me, the person I appreciate becomes seperate from the person who is hurting me now. How can they possibly be the same? It's like a rendition of Tamia's "Stranger in My House"

You see, you are teaching me that I love you too much and that I am so commited to you that it smothers you.Smothers you! You are teaching me to stay far far away from you. And my consistancy changes. You can garantee that I won't go all out for you. I will tire of you in order to keep myself safe from harm.

So right now, I feel like an animal who has been beaten and trained into submission. Now I stay away because you have trained me. While you toy around with those who are ready to love you, remember never to push a loyal person to the point where they just don't care anymore, because they will stop caring and you will not get that care back.

Saturday, August 3, 2013


"Hi, I'm looking for the Jimmy Nevis album."
"Jimmy Nervous? Yes lemme check the system?"

That was my music store experience when I went to make my purchase. I can't judge her though. I too have only just recently jumped onto the local music bandwagon, this being the third local album I've bought in the past year.

As usual, I bought the album for one song only, "Hotboxing", but of course a number of songs snuck their way past it. Jimmy Nevis' debut offering called Sublime is relatively good. If you're a fan of Jason Mraz, One Republic and Bruno Mars, this album is a combination of these artist so you no longer need to import your music.

There are, however certain elements that are uniquely Nevis in his album. I like the way he uses vocals alone in certain parts of a song, Like "Red balloon". Nevis certainly doesn't fully rely on his talent on the piano alone, but explores many of the avenues music has to offer.

All in all, I quite like this Capetonian boy. He can stick around!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Me Time

I've always hated being alone or doing anything alone, but as I've grown older, I've come to tolerate  alone time. I even started to (reluctantly) like it.
Don't get me wrong, It hasn't been by choice. Sometimes my roommate leaves me to my own devices for the weekend and I automatically think "this really sucks!". But then she comes home and I think, "Why on earth are you back?! I was having so much fun in uninterrupted vegging! Partypooper!" For a while I've wondered what was wrong with me. Why can't I just be satisfied for once?! But that's the beauty of a duel personality. I feed off the energy of others, but regrouping on my own is enjoyable too. There's no need to choose.
A few weeks after the unfortunate birthday incident, a verse found me. It speaks about being content no matter what. I initially connected this to the whole Carlos situation but right now, I'm thinking it has more to do with understanding that both being alone or being with people is my strength. I thrive in both.
These past few months, I was starting to think that aging has turned me into a dull dud. But it's official; age is making me more interesting!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Sweet Sadness

When our voices blend, I get goosebumps. It's trully beautiful. Perfection. Why is it so different when the music fades, I wonder.

Without the music, it is empty. There is no passion or beauty. It's not meant to be, this I know.

So why is it still sad everytime our voices meet?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Being Content

A few months ago I looked over my life and decided that it was well. I had a car, my job didn't suck so much  and there were no secrets or lies. Not to mention Uncle Wandile - That was coming together nicely. It felt like things were falling into place. And then they just shifted....

I was in a car accidant on my birthday, a cherry on top of an already disappointing day. This birthday was the first that I didn't take seriously, that I didn't really look forward to. And since then, things have in a way spiralled.

1Timothy 6 speaks of being content and not being concerned about material riches. After the accident, my body kinda went out of control too. I didn't understand what was happening so in turn I curled into a ball waiting for everything to go back to how it was. But see I have a hand in how my world goes back to normal. I don't get my car back by staying in bed  all week. Plus 1 Timothy says to be content always. Now staying in bed is not done by people who are satisfied with their circumstances. Staying in bed is for those who are sulking. Those who throw their toys out the cot hoping God will fix everything so that they can be happy again.

It's really hard but Im gonna work at it.  Being content means rolling with the punches, adjusting to the change in circumstances. Living despite all the crap. This won't get me down. I will rise above this too.

Monday, June 10, 2013


I breathed a sigh of satisfaction and smiled to myself as I placed the last wet plate on the rack to dry. It has been almost two weeks now and I thought I was doing well on the domestic plight to be the proverbs 31 woman. But reality is not so positive.

You see the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 has really encouraged me to step up the way I think and the things that I do in my life. This woman does not need to be a wife in order to be all these things. After all, if you can't look after your house  and pay the bills as a single woman, how are you gonna do it in a marriage?

As I consider all these things and think about my walk in this road, I glance over at my flatmate with guilt... while I eagerly arise with my alarm in the morning and strive to be this woman, am I not hindering her from being her too? How do I behave in such a way as to encourage the same desire in her?

This is trully something to chew on, because I cannot grow and leave others behind.... It renders the virtuous woman redundant

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Moving Along

What does it mean to move on from a hurt that has been inflicted on you? I've been told that I don't do this. I've been told that I dig the hurt up and throw it back at people.

Yes, I suppose I do. But we forget one thing. When you hurt someone,  you scar them and that hurt changes your emotional features and how you see yourself and what you feel you deserve. You can forgive and be in right standing with someone but at the first sign of betrayal -even if it's a false alarm - the hurt comes pouring back afresh leaving you wondering how you ever thought you had "moved on". It boils down to remembering that pain and running away from ever feeling it again even if it means going on an angry rampage to chase the preditor away.

I feel I have moved on, but being treated the way I was before triggers that hurt again. and whether you like it or not I will always look over my shoulder hoping you won't deal that same blow again.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Joburg vibes

Every Tuesday Shikisha hosts what they call the Homegrown  Live Sessions. Some sessions are bigger than others depending on the band being hosted. On this particular night, our sights were set on the bands Uju and The Fridge.

Uju is unfamiliar to me. One could describe their sound as  a rough, edgy amalgamation of emotions. From the lead singer's booming,  bold voice to the dramatic drumming, these guys really seek to have you sitting up straight from the word go with their music and more than occassional poetic outbursts. The Uju experience can only be described as spontanious.

The Fridge. This three piece band has compelled me to go on some of my greatest adventures into the heart of Joburg. Adventures that have made me fall deeper in love with the City of Gold and with music itself.

From the very first time I heard Samthing Soweto, lead singer of The  Fridge sing, I was mesmerised. His voice to me created the imagery of the ripples formed when pouring syrup - yes, syrup! His voice is a combination of control and playful spontinaity. Muthusi, the band's bass guitar and rhythm guitar player has often declared himself a lover of the jazz chords. When playing live he spends more time on the bass guitar while the 6 string is saved for the more intimate songs, but I  have often had to physically count the strings to make sure it is in fact a bass being played because he sometimes rocks out full chords on it! Ade, the drummer is never satisfied with the simple beats often toying around with the rims of his snare and tom toms. I am yet to hear a drummer that is as descreetly prominant as he.

I'm learning very quickly that  Joburg is alive with the sound of music. All you need to do is find the particular music that you love and then just follow it!

Authentic Sunday

Remember those nights out that you just never look forward to,  but once you drag yourself out of the house, that night goes down in your personal history as one of the best nights ever? Well, Sunday was such a night for me. My bestie demanded a night out in  Soweto for a belated birthday celebration. I knew I wouldn't hear  the end of it if I said no so I threw on my old All Stars  and dragged myself out - did I get the surprise of my life!!

Ask any HIP HOP lover that lives in the south of Joburg what Authentic Sunday is and they'll tell you. In Soweto, behind Bara Taxi Rank lies  hidden  The Zone 6 venue. This company that calls themselves Authentic Sundays hires the place out on a quarterly basis to host an event by the same name. It is fondly described as "Soweto's biggest freshest hangout session."

Authentic Sundays is a group of creatives and marketing graduates whose main objective in having Authentic Sundays is to bring to the Sowetans the party that many of them travel to the North for.

I'm not much of a "HIP HOPPER"  myself but as I look around at this setting that is completely new to me, nobody here cares about my awkwardness. As long as drink is in hand, friends are at arms reach and HIP HOP is blaring in the open plan venue, everyone is happy. It might as well be Friday night and not Sunday afternoon. Cameras are flashing from cellphones to digital cameras to the photo booth that is complete with props for those crazy photo's! Promotional girls (where are the boys?) are everywhere promoting - well everything and  soon after the fire works ( "How did City Counsel agree to that?" my friend wonders out loud!) people will make their way into the main venue for the dj's and later whatever popular group has been hired.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

It's My Time

Mean words that people speak into our lives often help us to rise above them. They make us stronger and better and encourage us to succeed.

I have a cousin who had a bit of a mean streak when we were growing up. We bought a TV because she used to tease me for not having one at our house. "When will we have our own TV mama?" I would ask my mom after every  taunting session with my cousin. I asked the same after a torrent of comments about not having a home. My mom later told me that her unkind words are what compelled her to buy our first TV and later our house....

Growing up, this question never died down, I just learned to keep it to myself and not to burden others with it. When will it be my turn? Now as I watch things I've wanted for so long come to me as naturally as breathing,  I feel like standing on a rooftop and shouting "This is my time! It's finally here!"  It's a dumbstruck feeling to realise that your cries in the middle of the night were heard and answered just when I thought I was unworthy.....

Malibongwe igama lakho....

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Taming The Shrewd

"Sweeties are not in your nature. You like them tough and difficult to handle. They intrigue you somehow. Like a challenge you like to conquer," he said.

mmhhmm I can't help but  think it's true. I do like the challenge. It bores me if it falls in my lap, but it never ends up on my lap when I rise to the challenge so what, pray tell, is the alternative? Why go head to head with the shrewd when losing is inevitable? I'm not sure how to "rethink my stratergy", as he puts it. And so I run - which makes me a runner. I'd rather be that than stay and fight fights that are impossible to win. No, it's not about  winning. It's about getting what I feel I deserve - which in essence is winning.

I guess when I didn't know I was a Joan of Arc, I fought all the battles and it was thus about winning. But now that I do know, it's going to be about choosing my battles - A wise brute of sorts. Sigh, if only they were not all losing battles. Although,  if they were all meant to be won, none of them would hold value. This is one of those things I only need to get right once... just once...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Life To The Full

In my English classes these days we talk about the concept of sugarcoating. We have concluded that it means to make things appear better than what they actually are. It is like painting varnish paint over chipped nailpolish.

So I suppose it's only natural that this is on my mind in the wee hours of this morning. What is the truth? I wonder why I am still on this. It could be denial, because if I accept that things are really as they seem, then I am left with nothing but myself. But myself is not nothing. I have the heart of a lion. I have faced some excruciating pain and still stand to tell the tale. I have healed somewhat, although it comes pouring back sometimes and I feel like I am back at the very beginning.

The truth is that my heart is receptive. I am not the same as I used to be. I am changed - for the better. I am stronger and braver and more beautiful. I know all of the truth and it no longer feels like I am being gutted. The truth is I should be proud of how far I have come and I look forward to what lays ahead, because I am wiser now.

The truth is that things are exactly as they seem amd exactly as they should be and that is ok. There is no sugarcoating. It's not just all the good and whimsical but the bad and the ugly as well. This is Life to the full that shapes us.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

I'm a woman

I was on the phone with my brother a few months ago and he asked me where I was. When I told him that I was home he asked if I was at my home or ours. That's when it hit me. I have my own home. I am a grown up. I'm not a girl, but unlike Britney, I am a woman.

"I'm a girl!" I said to a close friend. "You're not,  though," he said in response, "You're a woman. Has it ever occured to you that you calling yourself a girl has hindered you from getting some of the things you you want?" It never had occured to me actually. I see myself as a girl and not a woman and so that is the personna I embody and therefore my perceptions and thoughts are that of a girl....

"Start calling yourself a woman," he suggested,  "and see how the way you see the world will change and how the embodiment of yourself will change too." So unlike Alicia, there is no longer a girl here. It is , from now on, this WOMAN that is on fire.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Art of Losing is not Hard to Master

I've heard it said that it's hard to know when to let go and when to fight. How do you know when you're holding on to a lost cause?

I have a friend who is getting married soon. We've been friends for about 8 years now. In hindsight I realise that I never really fitted into her world. The only way it worked was through me  politely showing up. over the past 2 years it has becone increasingly difficult to maintane my 'table mannners' because I came to realise that my feelings were not really considered. I realised that we are, in actual fact not friends at all.

And so with that I let it and all other similar friendships go because such is life. It is not only through death that people leave our lives, but through life also. Whether we grow or stay the same, some people just don't stick around for the whole process...