Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Weight of Glory

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden." - CS Lewis, The Weight of Glory

What  an intellect! I always have to read something by CS Lewis twice before I can understand  and grasp it in it's fullest. It's true; one of God's goals for us here on earth is for us to have meaningful, sincere and real relationships with each other. These are often the hardest most excrutiating relationships to have, but in the end, the most rewarding of them all. While I find the prospect of being that vulnerable to so many people  daunting, the prospect of such freedom in my relation to others intrigues me...

Friday, September 10, 2010

What does that even mean?

My parents have been divorced for about 23 of my 25 years. As much as I find that my mother has  moved on and has no desire to go back to him, I find teachings that she has been giving me since I was a girl that reflect a lot of hurt and pain from the whole experience.

One that is the most prominant was this; if you enter into a relationship through a window ( the wrong way) instead of through the front door ( the right way), that relationship will never work out. Now I've always been raised " the christian way" so my idea of entering through the window has always been stuff that wasn't glorifying to God like dating a guy who doesn't share you beliefs for example. I've always used these points as guidelines of some kind but lately I've begun to question them.

I remember telling a friend of mine a while back  that maybe I have been single all this time because I don't know how to conduct myself in a relationship. Maybe there is some kind of code of conduct that I was never told about and as a result, relationships end before they start or I behave in some moronic manner that sends them running to the hills. Now, as I sit here after the latest mess I've made, I wonder to myself, "Why wasn't this one right for me?" besides all the stupid stuff that " doesn't matter", this one was quiet close to perfect. There was a connection and getting carried away felt right... So what was wrong then, because it wasnt as though there was a gradual disconnection, but more of a  violent severing that came out of nowhere and hurt me beyond words. I don't understand it at all....

There's a part of me that wants to throw in the towel and swear eternal celibacy, but I just can't. I feel... hope even though it looks hopeless, which makes me wonder if I am not confusing hope with stupidity. But then again Emily Dickinson says:

"Hope is that thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune-- without the words,
and never stops at all..."

So what now? In this case, do I let the stupid bird sing or do  I find it and shoot him? Grrr! I think what I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wake up when it's all over... a kind of hybernation.Why couldn't we be the mammals that could do that?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Into the Ocean

" I wanna swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down." - Blue October

Men in Black 2. The pretty girl has just discovered that she is the light of Zatha and she is in denial. "Everbody gets sad when it rains", she protests. " But it rains because you're sad, baby", Agent K says.

Sometimes I wish I was the light of Zatha too. I wish it would pour with rain whenever I'm sad or a raging tornado would sweep by when I'm angry. Whenever a storm comes, the sky turns grey and lightning and thunder soon follow; then the rain pours. After a little while, everything calms and sometimes the sun comes out and besides the obvious wetness,it is as though it never rained; there's was no lightning or rain and  there is a sense of release in the atmosphere. I wish sadness and all those bad emotions worked the same and for the same amount of time. Like the weather, you experience the full force of the emotion,but it is soon over and replaced by sunshine; relief and peace.

Alas, that is not how it works. Unfortunately I am not the light of Zatha or any superheroine whose emotional state is reflected in the weather (darn it!) so I guess I have to find another way to get that relief from all this sadness. Thank goodness I have Jesus who knows the anguish of my soul (Ps 30:7b) and who is eager to come to my rescue.