Friday, September 10, 2010

What does that even mean?

My parents have been divorced for about 23 of my 25 years. As much as I find that my mother has  moved on and has no desire to go back to him, I find teachings that she has been giving me since I was a girl that reflect a lot of hurt and pain from the whole experience.

One that is the most prominant was this; if you enter into a relationship through a window ( the wrong way) instead of through the front door ( the right way), that relationship will never work out. Now I've always been raised " the christian way" so my idea of entering through the window has always been stuff that wasn't glorifying to God like dating a guy who doesn't share you beliefs for example. I've always used these points as guidelines of some kind but lately I've begun to question them.

I remember telling a friend of mine a while back  that maybe I have been single all this time because I don't know how to conduct myself in a relationship. Maybe there is some kind of code of conduct that I was never told about and as a result, relationships end before they start or I behave in some moronic manner that sends them running to the hills. Now, as I sit here after the latest mess I've made, I wonder to myself, "Why wasn't this one right for me?" besides all the stupid stuff that " doesn't matter", this one was quiet close to perfect. There was a connection and getting carried away felt right... So what was wrong then, because it wasnt as though there was a gradual disconnection, but more of a  violent severing that came out of nowhere and hurt me beyond words. I don't understand it at all....

There's a part of me that wants to throw in the towel and swear eternal celibacy, but I just can't. I feel... hope even though it looks hopeless, which makes me wonder if I am not confusing hope with stupidity. But then again Emily Dickinson says:

"Hope is that thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune-- without the words,
and never stops at all..."

So what now? In this case, do I let the stupid bird sing or do  I find it and shoot him? Grrr! I think what I really want to do is curl up in a ball and wake up when it's all over... a kind of hybernation.Why couldn't we be the mammals that could do that?

1 comment:

  1. I also think parents and upbringing greatly influence the way your relationships pan out. A while back my parents had issues and it ruined the idea I had about relationships. I always thought they were the perfect couple and realising they aren't made me lose hope in relationships [maybe that's why I see myself as non romantic- i fight relationships. quite sad actually]... well... that was my 10 cents worth :P hope you feel better soon. *hugs*