Friday, December 2, 2011

I want to break free

I don't know if it's the Festive Season or the PMS, lately I've been overwhelmed with a feeling of incessant dissatisfaction...

It might be the festive season thing because when the year draws to an end, it draws the last of your desire to do anything worthwhile. Put me in a car and take me home where I can wake up every morning knowing that the whole day is mine and I can be as redundant in it as I like! I'm trying to push myself over the next ten days. I don't want to look back on them with regret wishing I had enjoyed them more.

I'm sure it will be better after this weekend when I don't have piles of marking to do anymore.... Bring on the freedom, the freshly cut grass and long lazy afternoons in the sun with John Mayer crooning in the background. I'm counting down the days.....

Monday, November 14, 2011

If You Never Try, You'll never Know

My very good friend and I have gone for about 3 months without seeing or speaking to each other. It was really strange because when we were not living in the same city, we spoke at least 3 times a week and now we live 15 minutes away from each other and we struggle to touch base with each other...

Anyway, so yesterday we hung out for a bit. It was nothing special at all; we just had MacDonald's and fell asleep to some reruns - I ended up sleeping over. But, that short time that we had together was the best I think I've ever had in a really long time. When you go through a tough time, you often isolate yourself from the people you love in an attempt to protect them from the worst of you. While this isolation is good for retrospection, losing touch with people who know you best is not in your best interest, because it is these very people who drag us out of our black abysses and into the light, just by being around you, all we have to do is reach out to them...

I'm never going to allow myself to wallow  again. It's not good for my sanity.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Just be yourself

The most daunting thing you can say to me! Let me elaborate.....

I like getting things right. And getting things right for me means getting a nice and neat list of  how I got that thing right so that next time I do that thing I know what to do. Unfortunately, teaching does not allow for such lists because there are so many different factors that make the thing (teaching) go "right". If I'm this bad when it comes to teaching, you can imagine how bad I get when it comes to a relationship of any nature. I often ask the other person this question, "why do you like me so much?" and the response I often get is, " I don't know. just coz you're you." What does that even mean?! How, pray tell, do you expect me to draw up my "get it right list" with that response? What if I carry on "being myself" and you change your mind- being myself would then prove redundant wouldn't it?

I realised though, that that's the problem. The fear of getting it wrong and being moved from the good books is constantly wrestling with the fact that I am enough..... So forget the list! I'm gonna stick to being myself because that's enough. Plus, it does away with the admin of the list.....

Here goes nothing...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Heart Of Worship!

I've always really enjoyed this song, but there was one line that made absolutley no sense to me.
"I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it." It drove me crazy because to me, it was gramatically incorrect- until I heard the story behind the writing of the song....

So at this church they decided to stop have worship for a while. They would sing and spend time in prayer and meditation, but there would be no musical instruments. It was to teach them that worship has very little to do with music and more with intimacy with God. It  was during this time that that song was written. What that line I did not understand meant was that, we have made worship a thing and have not viewed it as the an encounter with God... And just like that, It made sense- like those pictures that you don't understand until you take a step back and BAM- you're looking at the Mona Lisa!

So let's not make worship just another thing we do at church. Let's come back to the heart of worship where it's all about Him!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Am

This is a poetry excercise I did with my grade nine's but first I did it myself and this is my result...

I Am
I am loud and vibrant.
I wonder when my day will come.
I hear beautiful music.
I see smiling faces.
I want to be needed.
I am loud and vibrant.

I pretend I can fly.
I feel the city's pulse.
I touch everything.
I worry about being alone.
I cry for what could have been.
I am loud and vibrant.

I understand that it's not so simple.
I say let's embrace the compelxities.
I dream about guitars.
I try to see everything.
I hope this one is it.
I am loud and vibrant.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I was informed a few weeks ago that I may be getting a bit... pudgy! Not something a girl wants to hear, but tough love is often what is needed for action to be taken...

So excercise is the order of the day! I've started running again and I've pulled in the reins on my daily diet AND, to top it all off, there is a mirror that I walk past every time I walk into my room that reminds me of the... abundance of my ASSets. I must admit though, I feel great! I forgot the rewards a good physcal lifestyle brings. Besides  my often stiff muscles, I know that soon they will pass and results will soon show and I can't wait to see them!

Here's to grinning and bearing it :)

Friday, April 1, 2011

Friendly Neighbours

The most random thing happened to me the other day..I'm walking down my road after a long day at work, theres 200 bucks worth of meat in my one hand and a handbag full of school books in the other and I'm thinking to myself, "All I wanna do is sleep!" I look up and there he is; my knight on a shiny motorcycle...

His lips are moving, but I can't hear a word he is saying. I pull John Mayer out of my ears so I can hear. "Can I offer you a lift?" he says again. "Seriously?" I respond. "Seriously", he says matter of factly. I look down at the meat in my hand. My arm hurts and I still have a good 2 blocks to get to my house. It's hot, I'm cranky.... What the hell, who says ubuntu is a black thing anyway? I stuff the meat into my handbag ( big handbags have nothing to do with fashion, I tell you!) while my rescuer turns the bike around. After a brief inspection and a quick calculation of how I'm gonna gracefully mount this "horse", I climb on.

"So, come here often?" he asks, as if he does this kind of thing all the time. It was a short drive and it proberly isn't a big deal in the greater scheme of things,but this dude made my day. Not to mention, gave me a cool story to tell ;)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Future bride

So there I was. At my friend's wedding, In the front row where I was sure my chances of catching the covetted bouquet would be slimmest. All the single ladies behind me waving their arms and giggling nervously as though this contest would decide the future of their relationships. "Ready?!", shouts the doting new bride. "Ready!!", we confirm. My arms folded, ready to watch the bouquet fly past me and into the eager group of in-a-serious- relationship girls. It was gonna be interesting to see who would catch it...

Imagine my suprise as I watched that bunch of flowers coming straight for me. The clock that I hear tick tocking at the back of my head every time one of my friends ties the knot just started tick tocking with more urgency. Oh crap!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Finger up my nose

It is near impossible to get through life alone.

I hate being a burden to people so I try very hard not to be. So far in this year, I have found it increasingly difficult to do things without any help from someone. Every once in a  while, I find myself needing assistance of some kind. I'll be in a crisis (of my own making) and there will appear to be no way I can get out of it by myself. Pride has me thinking that I can do it on my own,but I soon find that I can't. Much to my dismay, pushing a round peg into a square whole is not possible...

We all need people to get by in life otherwise we are royally screwed! I am learning that Ubuntu isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. Lesson learned.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Like Sands Through The Hour Glass...

... so have the days of my life been going! I have discovered that it is near impossible to blog about anything deep when you are too busy. Who care about the shape of leaves when you have 4 academic assignements due in one day?!

I'm loving my new life. I finally feel like a grownup what with all my new responsibilities. But at times it does get overwhelming and I find myself thinking why I thought it was a good idea to study and work at the ame time; I mean really? I feel like I'm trying to juggle ten million things at once and I'm failing dismally.  In some ways it is a good thing because I have a point of reference for all the theories I am learning in my course, but I have no  time to really delve into all the work, so it feels like i'm missing out on so much. I feel like I have to choose between the two. Which will get more of my attention than the other and that giving them both my full attention is not an option... *sigh*

But what choice  do I have but to trudge along and hope for the best....?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Falling into Place

It has certainly been an eventful month! Since the moment I signed on the dotted line of my employment contract, I've been watching in awe as everything in my life fell perfectly into place.

I got a temporary place to stay until I found my feet. I can take two taxis to work without much hassles and if I get out of work late, I can get picked up at a nearby shopping centre and then, as though things could not possibly get better, I found a cottage that is near to my work and at a very affordable price. It's amazing- and freaky. It's just a lot to get used to. I spent so much of the past two years feeling as though I was trying to force a square peg in a round hole and when you do that for such a long time it convinces you that it will never work... until one day it just does! It just clicks into place and you have to change your thought pattern around again.

It's a little exhausting, but I'm trying really hard to sit back and enjoy the ride, make provision for freak accidents and basically just try not to gawk in amazement at how all of this has happened